In a knot of who I'm not
I'm a fraud, I'm a phony, I'm as fake as a Kylie Jenner cardboard cut out. Why? Because I
have abandoned you for...two months? However, I am here to plead my case. This is my last quarter at SCAD and for some reason, I feel like I have less of a grasp of where I want to go and who I am. So, parten me for not having the emotional strength to soldier on and bitch about my CAD pattern making class and a lack of accommodation this program has for the physically disabled (for the record my professor has been a delight) Because at the moment I do not give a fluttering fuck. Like I said before, I feel like I have no direction, thus I'm taking the time to reflect myself not on who I am (because frankly, I do not know who that is) But instead who I know I am not. I'm not the eclectic wanna be girl that owns a pet ferret, sits in the coffee shop, talks about traveling and reads books from authors that no one has ever fucking heard about. I don't yearn to frequently state that I'm looking for an adventure. Let's face it they just happen to me, plus I think of the idea of an adventure is quite subjective. I am not wholesome nor Getty, and I sure as hell don't want to be taken care of. I mean it's bad enough I need help wiping my own ass so the idea of fully depending on someone finically is a nightmare. Thus bitch gotta find a way to make some dough....good dough, not that cheap pisbury shit (that was not a typo I just don't want to get sued) I do not internalize my thoughts, I did when I was a child but look at where that got me. I have a blog where I openly talk about my life. There is a lesson to be learned here kids. So if I have a problem I WILL TELL YOU, if I'm worried I WILL TELL YOU, and if I'm happy you will fucking know. I'm not an optimist, just in case you have not figured that out yet. I feel like an optimist only lives half of a life. Life is black, white, grey, and I'm sure there are splashed of Maroon all up in there.
I am not the type of girl who is afraid to make choices. Which is why this absurdism/ existentialism crap is putting a damper on my life, to say the least. I'm not an intellectual, I don't watch documentaries in my free time and pretend to know everything there is about a person's life or their way of being. Sorry but, I live with people...No you don't understand, I LIVE WITH PEOPLE. Every day I see the same people assistant one, assistant two, assistant three and so on so forth. Once you get to know as many people as I have, you start to live their life too. It's fine cause they are also very well embedded into mine. I'm not afraid to be vulnerable, (okay, but I have been working on it throughout the years) it is hard not to be vulnerable when communication is your only source of....everything. I have to tell people how I am feeling, what I want and how I want it. Thus, you can only imagine how inefficient my communication skills have been lately. I don't know what I want and I don't know how I am feeling. Here is the part I say something positive. I'll probably say something about a rainbow coming out of a unicorn ass after a storm to illustrate how things will be better, and fuck I'm sure they will. At this moment, however, this is who I am or better yet who I am not and I'm pretty cool with it.