Updated: May 22, 2020
I’m sorry, but I had to. I know that you’re probably sick and tired of young, bored, quarantined women doing their makeup on social media, but I just needed a piece of normalcy and usually, doing my makeup means that everything is okay.
Let me explain. When you’re physically disabled, there’s a day-to-day hierarchy of importance. Getting out of bed is number one. This entails any medical procedures, grooming, showering, etc, etc. Number two: breakfast (and other meal-related subjects). Number three: work... basically what I’m doing right now (writing). Four: Any form of entertainment. Five: makeup and looking pretty.
But this is why I studied fashion marketing -- because when I have the luxury of looking my best, I feel my best. My life feels stable when all of my needs are
fulfilled. If I could make my own hierarchy of importance, number 5 would probably be number 2. I like food, but I’d prefer a good chunky heel. Usually when I hire a new assistant or a new caretaker, by the week of training, I tell them to do my makeup. I like to know how many Youtube videos she’s gonna have to watch, which is why I decided if having no assistants was gonna be my new normal, I would have to show my Dad how to do my makeup...I’m also very bored and this option would have the most humorous outcome. So, let’s begin.
For those of you who don’t know my dad, he’s an engineer. He’s spent his whole life on construction sites, and now he’s researching skincare. Isn’t life something. s video would be best. This is where a beautiful, blue-eyed, perfect skinned, Australian girl in her mid-twenties taught us about makeup. My dad’s immediate response was, “Why the fuck does she need makeup?” Then, she started to talk about primers, before she could even finish, my dad said, “Oh, you mean when you paint the walls?”
For those of you who don’t know my dad, he’s an engineer. He’s spent his whole life on construction sites, and now he’s researching skin care. Isn’t life something.
When I finally agreed that “primer” is just like the primer that we use painting walls, we moved on to foundation. Things switched around when I had to explain to him the difference between foundation and concealer -- honestly, I don’t know the difference, just that one goes after the other and they’re both important. Then, we had a whole CC Cream discussion about how it’s a more natural-looking option for foundation, which he thought defeated the whole purpose of makeup (I mean, I see his point).
He later took it back after the first Youtube video was over and beautiful Australian girl #1 was replaced by beautiful Australian girl #2. (It’s beyond me why they were both Australian.) This video was a five-minute tutorial. Which meant it was way shorter than the first one. Nonetheless, when she took her makeup off, my Dad went, “Damn. She needs foundation.” And I replied, “You see? CC Cream, not enough!”
We fought the whole way through the Youtube videos. Don’t even get me started on eyebrows. The man flipped a switch when the girl drew her eyebrows on, “SHE DOESN’T NEED THAT! You know who does that? Pirula.” For those who don’t know who she is, which is probably 99% of my audience, Pirula is an old ass woman who used to take care of my Dad when he was a little kid. He never forgave her for feeding him red peppers, so every time something unappealing comes about, he mentions her. That’s when I knew the Youtube phase was over.
Once he figured out that I was planning on filming him, he insisted on doing a pre-video makeover to practice. Honestly, he did very well! He talked his way through it, “First, we start with the paint primer, then we had the first coat of paint: foundation. Followed by the filler.”
That’s when I yelled out, “Are you painting my face or a car?” I feel like he was low-key proud that I got the references.
He replied, “Who’s the artist here?” So I had to keep quiet.
Aside from what I thought was my highlight, which ended up just being blush (in other words, I may or may not have ended up looking like the drag version of Santa Claus on every Coke bottle), he did very well! That was my mistake not his.
Long story short, I have the video to prove that my father did my makeup. Was it as humorous as I thought it was going to be? No! It was actually stressful! He took it very seriously! I told him that I wanted liquid eyeliner at one point and let’s just say, he has a lot more respect for 13-year-old Youtubers who can do a wing tip.
Nonetheless, he wants to do it a third time. He claims that he felt the pressure of the camera and that he can do better... damn we’re bored.